Truth Code: relationships
Εμφάνιση αναρτήσεων με ετικέτα relationships. Εμφάνιση όλων των αναρτήσεων
Εμφάνιση αναρτήσεων με ετικέτα relationships. Εμφάνιση όλων των αναρτήσεων

Πέμπτη, 23 Μαρτίου 2017

Image Source: threepullpa.comtml
By Melissa

I want you to know that I forgive you. 

I forgive you for everything you've done past and present. I forgive you for your wrongdoings. Time will pass and eventually you'll be forced to deal with it all. Someday it will all cave in and you'll be lost because the good people who tried to love you and support you were chased out. 

I feel sorry for you. I'm sorry there is a piece of you that is so broken that you will never ACTUALLY know what love is. You'll see bits and pieces of it, maybe feel it here and there, but you'll never know heart filling, mind blowing, can't stop smiling just at the thought and never want to live a day without them love. 

I'll be fine. In time I will realize that I made the right call. And I'll even be thankful to you for making it easy, for giving me what I needed to walk away before it got even deeper. By letting you go, I'm setting myself free and opening my heart to the opportunity to love again, and to be loved in a way I deserve to be loved, to be someone's priority, to be someone's "everything", to have all I have to give returned and never be made to feel like I'm less than what I know I am. 

I'm broken right now, but I'll mend. I always do. I don't doubt I meant something to you, but that only went so far and eventually stopped. I know more than you know I do. I know you've lied to me on several occasions. 

I don't blame you. You're broken. I just wish you'd have been less of a coward and let me go before you did any real damage, before it got to a point I asked you to promise it would never reach. If you truly loved me, you would have done me that service. 

But it's ok. You're broken. I also don't blame me. I gave you the chance to do right, and I loved you even knowing what you're capable of. Hopefully someday you'll figure it all out. Hopefully it won't be too late and you won't destroy anyone else along the way. 

In the meantime, I forgive you. I'm sorry your life has made you what you are and I'm sorry you've made your life what it is. I tried. I tried hard. But I couldn't do it alone. Hopefully you're happy wherever you are right now. I made it to your list, and while I always knew that I would, my only hope is that I made it a little higher than some of the others. 

I love you. Make no mistake about that. But I also love me, and now it's time for me to give that some extra attention. I thank you for the fun we had, the laughs, the trips, all of it. I don't regret it. Everyone comes into our lives for a reason. Some of them are to teach us lessons. 

Im walking away from this having learned many. I wish you well. I really do. I'll be here for you, even though you don't need that because you don't lean on anyone. But if you find yourself at any time with a need for a shoulder, 

I'll be here.
Continue reading

Τετάρτη, 22 Μαρτίου 2017

SOURCE: nanihta/Fotolia

We’ve all experienced a break up or two at some point in our lives. They’re usually unpleasant, but eventually we move on and begin a new relationship with someone else. Some relationships however, seem to never end and leave us feeling like we’ll never get over them.

It’s normal to grieve the ending of a relationship. The difference between a normal, healthy break up and an unhealthy break up is that in a normal relationship, individuals retain their own identity. Their whole lives aren’t dependent upon the other person. They have lives inside their relationships and outside of their relationships. They can get sad and emotional when it ends, but they’re not going to slip into a major depressive episode. People, who know their worth, know that the sun will come out again and they will love again in time.

Unhealthy people get stuck and can’t seem to find their way out of their grief. They will try anything to dull the pain and they spend every waking minute pining and hoping that the object of their obsession will come back. They are ready and willing to accept any lame excuse. They don’t care about why they left, or the manner in which they left, they just want them back.

Some people in this situation will jump right back into the dating pool, hoping for a replacement, or at the very least a distraction. They will meet a really great guy, or girl that they really wanted to like, but just couldn’t and they explain it away as having no chemistry, or they’ll say, “I’m just not feeling it.” There is a reason for that. In my blog entitled Are You Mistaking Intensity for Intimacy? I describe how unhealthy relationships go through cycles of extreme highs and extreme lows and that a normal relationship just doesn’t match the same level of intensity.

These peaks and valleys are caused by repeated break-ups and repeated reconciliations, where your emotions are always soaring and crashing. Each person never has both feet in the relationship at the same time. This type of relationship is characterized by its fast pace. There’s quick pursuit, love bombing, quick intimacy, followed by an even swifter departure. The partner who is constantly being left, develops addiction-like cravings for the high intensity feelings that normal relationships just can’t provide.

That’s why, when we meet a perfectly normal person, who seems genuinely interested in us, our minds keep going back to the partner, who mistreated us. Normal relationships, in contrast, feel boring because they are more flat lined. There is much less drama, with no high intensity peaks and no low intensity valleys. It’s steady and slowly evolves from infatuation, in the early stages, into a deeper form of love. This is the path of true intimacy. When we engage with intimacy dodgers, we make the mistake of calling those high intensity feelings love and we waltz on past the real thing.

We remain fixated on the one that keeps hurting us, because we’ve developed a craving for those high intensity feelings and we know that we’re not going to experience them with anyone else. What we don’t realize is that those feelings, while they do feel good, are actually extremely harmful and unhealthy, because they only occur in unstable, high risk relationships.

Another reason we can’t seem to let go of these types is because we’ve come to believe that we have a deep and special connection with them. What we know is that shared trauma strengthens the connection, even when the trauma is being caused by the one you have the ‘connection’ with. In my blog entitled Why Do I Still Love Him: Understanding Trauma Bonds, I discuss how trauma bonds can happen to anyone, at any time and very quickly. They are the high intensity connections we make with abusive individuals, who tend to hold a form of power over us.

In The Betrayal Bond, Dr Patrick Carnes tells us that three elements must be present for a trauma bond to form. There must be:

  • A power differential (One person behaves in an oppressive, controlling and dominant manner).
  • Intermittent rewards (Random moments of kindness and tenderness, mixed in with painful and hurtful treatment).
  • Periods of high arousal (defined as intense feelings of fear, anxiety, excitement, or any emotion that puts your nervous system on high alert) followed by periods of intense bonding (making up).

What happens in these situations is that when our ability to feel good is wrapped up in another and at their whim, we become oppressed and this oppression creates dependency. Anytime we give away our personal power, we become bound to their will. We become weak, needy, anxious and fearful.

Many of us talk about the abusive people in our lives and use words like best friend or soul mate. That we would call someone, who is responsible for causing us such intense pain, our soul mate, seems to defy reason, but anyone that can play with our emotions like a yo-yo on a string yields a great deal of control over us. They hold the keys to our emotions, so we develop a dependency on them, in the same way an individual develops a dependency on a narcotic.

This is why it is essential to make a bee line out of the relationship when you notice a persistent pattern of breaking up and reconciling, breaking up and reconciling. If you continue this cycle you increase the risk of developing a trauma bond, which keeps you fixated and stuck in a relationship that seems to never end.

If you identify with a high intensity relationship please see my blog Trauma Bonds Part 2 where I list some of Patrick Carnes exercises on how to extricate yourself from this type of relationship. For a full accounting get Carnes’ book, Betrayal Bonds: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships and stop looking for those peaks and valleys in your relationships and instead start planting your seeds in the stable flat lands of a healthy relationship.


Savannah Grey is a writer, a certified hypnotherapist and has degrees in both Journalism and Psychology.
Continue reading
What are five signs that you can look for that will let you know you you’ve met your twin flame or soulmate, and that the relationship in front of you is of importance in your life, as in karmic or destined to happen?

1. You both feel a strong connection

From the day that you met, you’ve felt a strong connection to this person – and they to you.

Whether your twin flame relationship is platonic, familial or romantic, there’s a connection that far surpasses the bond in your other relationships. You both mutually care about each other, and deeply and obviously so.

2. You stay close to each others’ lives

Some people come into our lives for a lifetime, some for a season, some for a day.

For the most part, we allow the majority of them to come and go without any notice, but this relationship is different. In this bond you feel attached to each other, often quite sudden and inexplicably.

You stay near to each other, communicating and interacting regularly, and visiting and spending time together whenever possible. This relationship is very quickly elevated to the point of being a top, if not the most important, relationship in your life.

3. You don’t have enough history to explain your attachment

If you’ve been in a long-term committed bond you’ll know that history really does add enormous value and worth to a relationship, and that shared experience often explains the connection and attachment we feel towards the other party.

In a twin flame, soulmate or karmic bond however, you’ll have this level of connection, but without the past history, memories and shared experiences that validate a bond of that intensity.

While the bond draws you closer, the lack of experience and history drives you apart because you fill in the blanks by assuming that your new partner is operating from the same level as you.

This is one of the key aspects that drive young twin flame bonds into the ground. The lack of history can also serve to make one of the partners feel suffocated or clingy and possessive – another common young twin flame experience.

4. Issues seem much bigger than they should be

If you’ve been in a relationship for any duration you’ll know that issues escalate over time, for the most part.

At first you can forgive and move past something, but by the second, third, fifth, twentieth time something has happened you lose the plot and the kid gloves come off.

Don’t be surprised if you see this happening quickly in your twin flame or soulmate bond too.

Even though you don’t consciously remember the events from past lives that have played out between you, you still carry the energy of that within your system.

So, the reason you’re blowing up and feeling like this has been happening to you all your life – even though you only met last week or last month – is because it did happen to you all your life, just not the life you’re living right now.

The biggest reason you feel it is because energy is emotion.

Until you learn to distinguish between the different flows you will experience any energy movements in your body as emotion, because that is how the mechanism has been set up in nature.

5. You have unresolved emotions you can’t explain

Speaking of intense emotions, these can spring up on you unawares too – again a result of the lingering energy of memories that have brought you together karmically in this time.

So you may feel overwhelming love, or emotions that you’ve never felt before, like jealousy, possessiveness, envy, fear that your partner is cheating.

Long and short of it – if you’ve never had the emotion before and it’s not normal to you, or it’s grown to intense and overwhelming proportions immediately, then it’s most likely an energy triggered by the karma playing out in the situation.

Continue reading

There is conflicting science on whether or not happy memories are easier to recall than sad ones. Ask anyone who’s trying to get over a Narcissist and they’ll tell you they wish they could hang on to the bad, but always seem to recall the good.

We know that trauma bonds deepen the connection between abuser and victim. We know that early programming fools us into believing that intensity is the same thing as intimacy. We also know that codependency confuses us, it creates doubt, shame and guilt and its objective is to keep us where we are.

With all of these things working against us, it’s no wonder trying to break free from a Narcissist seems so difficult. These things seem so implausible that most of us, trying to get over the relationship, find our well-meaning support teams uttering things like, “Why can’t you just get over it.” And they get tired of hearing us talk about it, mope around and often relapse.

They watch us go in and out of relationships that are so obviously dysfunctional to everyone else around us. They get frustrated by our inability to distinguish reality from fiction. But mostly they get tired of watching us harm ourselves by ignoring obvious signs.

I get a lot of people asking me to make sense of their partner’s behavior. They’ll list tons of great things, followed by tons of terrible relationship crimes and they have so much trouble trying to interpret the signs. The truth is trying to discern someone’s real intention is a lot more simple than you might think.

They Love Me. They Love Me Not

If you can’t depend on them for anything, you’re not in a healthy relationship: If certain events come up, or typical things that would require the participation of a significant other and you already know you need not even ask your partner, this is huge sign that you’re not in a real relationship. No amount of post coitus cuddling and promises makes up for them choosing to not participate in your life.

If they treat you great one minute and then ignore you the next, you’re not a healthy relationship: You shouldn’t have to second guess where you stand in your relationship. If you’re getting mixed signals it means that your significant other isn’t committed to the relationship. Get out and don’t put yourself through the strain of having to figure out whether he/she are in or out. Relationships shouldn’t be something that requires guess work.

If they actively flirt or seek out other people while in your presence, you’re not in a healthy relationship: If your partner does that in front of you I’d hate to see what they do behind your back. Not only is it incredibly disrespectful it also shows attention seeking behavior and believe me, you want no part of that. The damage that does to your self-esteem isn’t worth any price.

If they don’t treat you like a priority, you’re not in a healthy relationship: If you constantly feel like you’re not important to the one you love, you need to get yourself together and exit the relationship. There are few things worse than unrequited love and if you stay hoping to change their minds you’re just setting yourself up to fail. If you ever want to change someone’s opinion about you, start with changing your opinion about yourself and walk away from anything that doesn’t lift you, or make you better.

If they don’t introduce you to their family and friends after a certain amount of time, it isn’t a healthy relationship: If you’ve been dating for months and you haven’t met their family or friends there’s a problem. It could mean they’re married, or in a serious relationship. It could mean that they’re serial dating or that they don’t have honorable intentions. It is healthy to wait until serious about someone before integrating them into your life, especially if you have children, but if you’re already sleeping together, you’re spending days living at each other’s place and months have gone by, I’d say, if it walks like a relationship and it talks like a relationship – it’s a relationship and I’d expect to be treated like I’m in a relationship. If your significant other is holding back I’d demand to know why.

If you want one thing and they want something else, it isn’t a healthy relationship: If you’re sticking around hoping he/she will change their mind and realize you’re the one, give your head a shake and get the hell out. I have a simple rule about change – either I accept things as they are or I leave. Change is hard in the best of times and when you’re hoping to change the way someone feels about you, and you think the best way to do that is by sticking around accepting the status quo you’re greatly mistaken. If someone isn’t sure how they feel about you, make their choice simple. Walk away.

If they show needy, jealous behaviors you’re not in a healthy relationship: The healthiest relationships I’ve ever seen consist of two people who have lives inside and outside of their relationships and who encourage the other to grow and be better. If your partner is extremely insecure and makes you feel guilty about wanting to spend time with friends and family, you’ve got a problem. If they need to stifle your growth for their own comfort level, you need to really pay attention to what’s happening in your relationship. It’s a clear sign that your partner is only interested in their own wants and needs and is not interested in your happiness. Never dim your light to make others happy.

If you stick around because you think you can’t do any better, you’re not in a real relationship: I can’t tell you how many of my clients list all these amazing things about their partner. Things like, “He is model gorgeous, his family has money, he’s got a really prestigious job, he’s famous, he’s in politics, she’s an actress, or a doctor …. Yeah I get it, they have some things going for them. Great. It’s too bad they treated you like shit. When you stick around because they have one or two special things about them, you are putting a price on your self-esteem. The fact that they have money isn’t more important than the way they treat you. if you think that the few perks you receive once in a while is more important than the way they treat you, then your priorities are all screwed up. If Irina Shayk can walk away from wealthy, gorgeous, famous and talented Cristiano Ronaldo, you can walk away too.

If you are wondering more times than not, whether or not your partner wants to be with you, you have to come back down to reality. In healthy relationships you don’t have to wonder or guess what your significant other is thinking or feeling about you, because they are telling you and showing you that you are a priority – consistently. If someone is ok with hurting you or making you feel uneasy, then they are not for you. You don’t need a scale to balance out the good vs the bad. You don’t need to be a detective to put all the pieces together. This is really simple stuff. Either they treat you consistently with love, kindness and respect and there is a balanced reciprocity, or their isn’t. It doesn’t matter if they’re gorgeous, rich or famous – whatever you think you will gain from their attributes pales in comparison to what you will lose by sticking around and allowing them to keep kicking you. Do right by you. Practice self-care and take care of you first.

Savannah Grey is a writer, a certified hypnotherapist and has degrees in both Journalism and Psychology. 
Continue reading

Δευτέρα, 20 Μαρτίου 2017
Article by: Anna Bashedly

You were my love. Letting you go is the hardest thing I ever had to do.

You were my best friend, lover, soulmate, my everything. You lifted me up, reminded me of who I was when I was lost, reminded me of my strength and greatness. You believed in me. I told you things that I’ve never shared with another person and you just listened, understood, absorbed it all and actually wanted to hear more. You changed me, you broke down my walls, I was alive with you.

But you were also the person who caused me the most pain in this world.

Loving you is the scariest thing I have ever done because I loved all of you. When I fell in love with you I took on everything – the good, the bad, your light and your darkness.

Not too long into our magic, things started to turn. When your light shined on me, it was everything. But when it was shining somewhere else, it was so cold. I never left you in the storm, I was way too good to you – but when I needed you, you weren’t there.

I know you regret everything. You always do. I know there will come a day when you will realize you messed up and that life is miserable without me. But my love, I never had to be away from you to realize that. I never had to break your heart to realize the value of it. I never had to explore other ‘options’ to realize your worth, to realize that you are one of a kind and what we have comes once in a lifetime. But you did…

Letting you go, is the worst and best thing I ever had to do. I know that you will come back – you always do. But after everything, no matter how much I’ll still love you, this time, I won’t take you back. My scars won’t let me. Because I know now that no matter how much you care about me, you will always care about yourself more. I know that being in your arms, touching your skin, absorbing your laugh, will make me feel complete, so alive again. But I also know that you will always cast quite a shadow – and it will break my heart all over again.

Thank you, thank you for making me realize how deep my love is. How I can love a person with every fiber of my being. Loving all of you with all of me has changed me, made me a better person, I was alive with you, and I wouldn’t take that back for anything.

You breaking my heart, almost breaking me, made me that much stronger. You leaving me made me realize how much I deserve someone who never leaves, never pushes me away. No matter how hard things get, no matter how much doubt there is, no matter how much their past, demons, complexity or other people are trying to get in the way. Someone who never leaves me in a storm because it’s ‘too much’ for them. I need someone who will dance in the rain with me.

By letting you go, I can finally be free to find that.

You are part of my soul. I will always love you, but for the first time in my life, I need to love myself more.


If you like this article, follow Anna Bashedly on Facebook
Continue reading

I was scrolling through Facebook when I came across a story written by Bryan Reeves, a former US Air Force Captain who in his own words has survived multiple dark nights of the soul and done many stupid things that have taught him well.

I think most people who have experienced love will be able to connect to this story and I feel that it has the power to even save relationships by acting as a wake-up call to people who have someone special in their life.

I Spent 5 Years Hurting A Good Woman By Staying With Her But Never Fully Choosing Her.

I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.

Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.

As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.

I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.

"Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more."

Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wildly wonderful about her.

"I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less."

Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.

She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you.

To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.

I realize now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.

Actually, I did abandon her.

By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her.

Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.

I’ll never not choose another woman I love again.

It’s torture for everyone.

If you’re in relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question:

“Why am I choosing my partner today?”

If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”

If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.

But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.

Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day.

You do, too.

Choose Wisely.

Continue reading

Sharing a bed with a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife isn’t all cuddles and kisses. In reality, it can be a total pain in the butt.

Brooklyn-based artist Jacob Andrews of For Lack Of A Better Comic illustrated this age-old struggle in a series of illustrations for College Humor called “The 6 Stages Of Sleeping With Another Person.”

Andrews, who has been in a relationship for six months, said he was inspired by dating someone with odd sleep habits and having some bedtime quirks of his own.

“The ‘sleeping in weird positions’ segment is all her, but waking up the middle of the night freaked out and yelling is totally me,” he told The Huffington Post.

The pros and cons of sharing a bed, according to the artist?

“Definitely just the comforting feeling of having someone else there,” he said. “It’s nice to wake up in the morning with someone next to you. The worst part is probably the space constraints. I like to really spread out diagonally on the bed, and that becomes difficult to do when there’s another human hogging all the good space.”

To see more of Andrews’ work, check out his Facebook page.

Continue reading
Too many guys ask girls questions that are either too boring too personal too silly or too much like a job interview. These questions will never be appreciated by girls. 

So here are 15 questions that accomplish everything a good question should:

1. What’s one thing that’s happened to you that has made you a stronger person?
2. Where is one place you feel most like yourself?
3. Who do you think has had the largest influence on the person you are today?
4. When you were younger what did you think you were going to be when you grew up?
5. Is your favourite attribute about yourself physical or non-physical?
6. What is your favourite non-physical attribute about yourself?
7. What does vulnerability mean to you? What has the ability to make you vulnerable?
8. What is something you’ve never done that you’ve always wanted to do?
9. Do you have any regrets? What’s your biggest one?
10. Have you ever broken a law? If you haven’t what is one law you’d love to break?
11. Would you tell a stranger they have toilet paper hanging from their shoe? Or their dress tucked into their underwear?
12. If you could go back to any age or time of your life, what age or time would it be?
13. What’s one thing you would say that makes you unique from other people?
14. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done?
15. If money didn’t matter, what would your dream job be?

Continue reading

Love can make us blind, even when something is glaringly obvious to everyone around. People in love can go on being deluded for years sometimes, not realizing that the person they’re with isn’t worth it. Make sure you’re not in love with the wrong person.

1. Your significant other doesn’t respect your parents, or isn’t nice to your friends. This is a huge danger signal.

2. You dread hanging out with them, instead of looking forward to it, and it’s more like a chore or an obligation rather than a fun thing to do.

3. They haven’t bothered getting to know your friends, family, pets and you’re really not all that keen on introducing them. This could be a subconscious indication that you know the relationship won’t really last.

4. You don’t feel comfortable being your usual self with them, and always think carefully before speaking. If you can’t speak your mind and bare your heart to them, something’s wrong with the relationship.

5. He/she does not create in you a desire to improve, to be a better version of you. The two of you are content with how things are and do not make an effort for each other.He/she does not

6. Your significant other is condescending, belittling or talks down to you. Emotional abuse is rampant, and can be hard to spot sometimes.

7. He/she takes you for granted, never bothers to be on time, and doesn’t respect your wishes or your beliefs.

8. You have widely different political or religious views and either of you cannot live with someone who doesn’t share the same views

Continue reading

Σάββατο, 18 Μαρτίου 2017

I loved my best friend. I still do. I hope that she is happy and thriving in her life. I’m not just saying that to sound evolved, or advanced in some way. I really mean it. I remember fondly the days where we would have long and deep conversations over dinner. I lived for those days. We would talk about everything from the mundane to the profound. We would share books and ideas. Our conversations were never boring and I always looked forward to them.

You have a lot of really special memories when you have a bestie. Parties, poker games, nights out, BBQ’s, road trips, there is a lot to look back on that makes me smile. We would often see two old ladies, out and about, in our travels and we would joke that that would be us some day.

You always think you could lose your husband, or your boyfriend, but never your best friend. Your best friend is supposed to be there with you through it all. They are the ones you talk to, who know you best – better than any spouse ever could. Losing mine was tough, but I knew it was something I had to do and I knew it was time.

I talk a lot in this blog about the importance of being able to relatively predict your partner’s behavior and what I mean by that is, that there should never be a time, where your partner’s behavior leaves you completely surprised and where it is so outrageous and inappropriate, that you are left seriously shocked and disturbed by it.  I’m not talking about when your partner gets mad once in a while, I’m talking, ‘you don’t know what’s coming next, jaw is on the floor, wondering if you’re safe and they’re crazy,’ kind of behavior.

This was what I had come to expect from my best friend. She had a penchant for going into rages and creating drama and problems where none existed. The last straw was waking up one morning to awful messages she had written about me on social media, as well as in a private email and comments on my blog. She then started texting me relentlessly, calling me names and using profanity. I tried to get her to calm down. I told her that her behavior was inappropriate, yet that only seemed to fuel her more. I told her several times to stop and she just kept going. I was at work and she was upsetting me. She was in a rage and out of control – over nothing. Her behavior had driven me to the point where I told her I was done and I stopped responding.

A few days later, she couriered a book to me that I had loaned her with a nice note that said she would always be there for me and always love me. I took this as a sign that she had realized that she had behaved badly and this was her apology, or at least an olive branch.

These freak-out incidents didn’t happen often, but when they did they were awful. They were irrational and they always had the same outcome: Her being offended by something trivial, me thinking I’d rather have her as my friend than be right, which would then have me rushing to her side to ask for her forgiveness, followed by her atop her thrown, scolding me and her always getting to be right and never, ever having to apologize.

As I started to get emotionally healthy I had to get real about her behavior and I couldn’t ignore what was going on any longer. I knew her back story, so it was easy for me to minimize and rationalize what was going on, but the signs were obvious.

When you discover that there is a Narcissist in your life, don’t be surprised if you discover more than one hiding in plain sight. The most telling sign for me was that I felt drained after spending time with her. I always had to lift her up. She was always tired, busy, sick, or put upon…. There was always something going on in her life that was more important, or more pressing than anything in my life. I felt that our relationship wasn’t ever about me. It was always about her. Sure she would say the words at times, but I never felt any real support from her.

I also knew that she would never acknowledge her issues. She was always going to be right, even when presented with indisputable evidence to the contrary. I realized that I couldn’t continue on my path of growth and healing, while still having, what I viewed as a very dysfunctional relationship, with someone who held a front row seat in my life.

I’ve got a pretty simple rule now for dealing with people, whose behavior isn’t to my liking – I either, accept them as they are, or I leave. I don’t cajole, whine, beg, or nag anyone to change – it’s a colossal waste of time. I couldn’t accept my best friend’s behavior anymore. I was done walking on egg shells, hoping not to set her off again, so I left the friendship.

We haven’t communicated in two and a half years and in that time I’ve developed a zero tolerance policy for over-emotional, unpredictable and unstable behavior. As soon as I witness it, I’m out the door, leaving a trail of smoke in my wake. That kind of behavior doesn’t get a second chance, because if you’re capable of it once, you’re capable of it 1000 times. I’m just not interested in anyone who could act that way. To me, this type of behavior triggers my warning beacons and tells me that this person is seriously dysfunctional. No one deserves to be on the receiving end of someone else’s histrionics. There is never an appropriate excuse, or reason for someone to behave like that. Never. When you see it, it’s a warning sign that something is very wrong with this person and it shouldn’t be ignored.

As I started to make new friends I experienced just how easy it was to be with them. It didn’t feel like work and it didn’t leave me feeling drained. I didn’t have to over compliment them to make them feel better, they didn’t regale me with stories about how awful their lives were, or how much (psychosomatic) pain they were in. They were just themselves and I was just allowed to be me. I realized that if I had to put in so much effort and try so hard, to be someone’s friend, then it just wasn’t worth it.

My days of always being responsible for the moods of others were over. My need to fix the broken was over. My need to maintain the peace at my own expense was over and my days of lifting people up and feeding them my energy were over.

After I got the book back from my best friend, I sent her an email. I acknowledged her olive branch and I wasn’t quite ready to completely write her off. I told her I needed time to think and I listed my concerns about her behavior and our friendship. Less than 24 hours later I got not one, but two emails from her – long and scathing. I read the first paragraph and stopped. I didn’t need to read anymore. I knew that both emails would contain mocking and contemptuous insults and that everything was going to be all my fault. As I hit delete, I thought about how her comments parroted what many abusers say after their outrageous behavior, “Look at what you made me do.” It seemed fitting.

I was never going to win this war with her and that was okay. Friendship isn’t supposed to be a battle. I don’t need to have the last word. That day was the day I made the decision to stop trying. I wanted stillness, serenity and calm. I vowed that day, that I would never again allow another’s behavior to disturb my inner peace. Its importance is beyond measure to me. It’s what keeps me balanced and centered in life. My decisions and my actions affect that peace, so learning to control myself and my environment is what is most important in my life. Leaving someone, who is unstable and makes you feel off-balance, isn’t selfish. It’s an act of self-love. It sends a message to that person, yourself and the universe that says, “I choose to be happy. I choose joy and inner peace.”

I still think about her from time to time. I try to only think about the good times. She taught me some really valuable lessons and for that I’ll always be grateful. I know, in typical Narcissistic fashion, in her retelling of this story, I would be the villain and 100% responsible and that’s okay. Her behavior doesn’t affect my inner peace anymore.

Letting go of someone you love is never easy, but sometimes it’s necessary for our overall mental health and growth. Because of her behavior I can’t give her a front row seat in my life anymore. I still love her, but I just have to do it from afar now and I’m okay with that.

Signs Your Friendship Might Be Toxic

  • You feel drained after being with them
  • They on occasion act out in an extremely inappropriate and over the top manner
  • Everything is always all about them
  • They have substance abuse issues
  • They seem superficial and disingenuous
  • You often wonder if something is psychologically wrong with them
  • They don’t make you feel good or empower you
  • Being with them sometimes feels like work
  • They bad mouth you behind your back
  • They are needy
  • They always need to be right
  • There is no reciprocity
  • You feel like you are being manipulated by them

Savannah Grey is a writer, a certified hypnotherapist and has degrees in both Journalism and Psychology
Continue reading

Πέμπτη, 16 Μαρτίου 2017

Sometimes when I hear someone tell their story I can’t help but cringe and think in my head, “Oh boy, this isn’t going to end well.” It happens a lot when people are looking to get something, from someone who treated them very badly, that something being, an apology, or some acknowledgement of wrong doing.

The problem is that when you have relationships with emotional manipulators, they don’t follow the same patterns that normal relationships do. When a normal relationship ends there is communication that one or both parties want out of the relationship, which may be followed by a period of sadness and eventually both individuals move on.

When a relationship with an emotional manipulator ends it’s usually very quick, without warning, without respect and brutally cruel. The dumpee is often in a state of shock, and feeling like an abandoned piece of trash, left by the roadside. They don’t get closure, they don’t get an apology or even, “the talk.” The relationship is often left in a state of ambiguity and even if it’s not, there are so many loose ends that it feels like it is. A Narcissist does this for two reasons, one the fragile state of their ego cannot allow for the perception of them being ‘the bad guy,’ so they spend a great deal of time coming up with reasons why the break up is all your fault.

The second reason is that they are users. They use everyone they can to get their needs met and chances are at some point they’re going to need to use you again. They need love, attention and resources, like a drug addict needs their fix, so they like to leave the door open, just in case they’re running low on supply, somewhere down the road. They don’t concern themselves with how you will take it, the effects it will have on you, your children or anything else. They can be impulsive and they do have amazing powers of justification.

The process of ending the relationship is usually by way of disappearance, where no words are spoken, and they ignore all your attempts to communicate, (this allows them to come back as if nothing ever happened). Another way is by behaving in a passive-aggressive manner, where they do something they know you cannot tolerate (like cheating….) – so that you’ll do the leaving. “I didn’t end it, she did,” because they love to make themselves out to be the victim. Some will be quick to pick fights over seemingly benign issues, they will use projection (blaming you for things they themselves are doing), While others will do the slow devaluation, where they act like you’re an afterthought, always thinking only of themselves and making your life miserable in the process.

Anytime a relationship ends it’s likely going to be painful. Healthy people will communicate their feelings, be empathetic, and feel some type of remorse that a friendship is ending. In contrast an emotional manipulator almost seems to get off on the hurt they cause.

A male friend of mine, whose empathy chip is firmly intact, told me a story about how a woman, he had been dating for about 8 weeks, was doing things that he didn’t like – drinking too much, too much partying, being irresponsible, acting lazy, sleeping all day…. When he did tell her he wanted to break up, she was hurt and asked him why.

Knowing she was already hurting, he didn’t want to hurt her anymore, so he said, “Please don’t take this personally, but I really want to be single right now.” Had he been missing his empathy chip and had a strong need to make everything someone else’s fault, he might have said something like this, “I can’t stand to be around you. You’re lazy. You’re stupid. You smell funny. You nag me. You’re fat. Sex with you is nauseating for me, (Take your pick).” The sensitivity is completely absent and you know they’ve spent a lot of time nursing those reasons in their head.

They are miserable people in general and since they still feel miserable with you – their miserableness must be your fault. So they go on the hunt, or sometimes it even just pops up out of nowhere, for something that will take away their angst. They see something – they want it (usually another partner) – they water the seed of desire, until it consumes them – they find a way to justify their behavior (by blaming you) – they test the waters (because they are cowards) – they act.

The problem many of my clients have is that they know their partner is a Narcissist, yet they keep expecting them to act like they’re not. They want to have ‘the talk,’ they want an apology, they want reassurance that it wasn’t all their fault and they want to hear that they are still loved by them. I’ve said repeatedly on this site that, Narcissists don’t do apologies (not real ones), they don’t accept responsibility, they lack sensitivity and they don’t do loyalty, or nostalgia, so if you’re hanging around waiting for these things, you’re going to be in for a long, long wait.

I can remember saying rather sarcastically to my boomerang Narcissist, after he took off for the third time, “You fooled me again. Good for you. You did it to me again. ” I felt like such an idiot. Like I said they are cowards, they know what they’re doing is really, really shitty and they stay away, usually because they can’t face what they’ve done, so when you show them that you still want to play ball, they’re kind of shocked. Any sane person wouldn’t want to have anything to do with them, but here you come, offering them up your love again, like a fast ball right over the plate.

When you look to someone to give you something that they don’t have, it weakens you. This is the epitome of giving away your power. You can’t get self-esteem from someone else – because they don’t have your self-esteem. You can’t get closure from someone else because they don’t have your closure. You can’t get self-worth from someone else because they don’t have that either. Never approach an emotional manipulator with watery doe eyes and try to appeal to their sense of decency. That’s like looking for water in the desert.

Too many people keep thinking, ‘it’s going to be different this time.’ The million dollar question is, ‘How many times does someone have to kick you in the shin, before you go out and buy a shin guard?’ How do you not see the same thing happening again? When you show an emotional manipulator that you still want them I’ll tell you straight up what’s going through their heads.


They think, “I can still have him/her. They still want me. I’m so special. I can get away with anything. What can I take from them? Good to know I can always go back there. He/she is so pathetic, don’t they know I don’t give a f@^# about them…..”

In my conversation with my male friend, whose empathy was fully intact, he explained that the last thing he’d want to do to his ex was cause her anymore pain, so he had no problem taking the blame for the ending of the relationship. Only a sadistic f$#@ would sit there and keep stabbing you after they already cut you deeply.

He also expressed the hope that she would be able to move on and find someone else. This is how healthy people behave after a break up. A Narcissist doesn’t want you to move on, they don’t want to give you closure, because they want you available and they want you hurting – that’s ambrosia to them.

The thing that we always have to remember is that a relationship with a Narcissist ends when you decide it does. Sure they may have been the ones to initially leave, but you decide when the door is permanently closed. You have to give yourself the closure you need, because you will never get it from them.

Once you close it, don’t open it again, because it won’t be different the next time and believe me, you will feel the fool. And by God, don’t show them, by word or deed, that you still want them. Never give someone the satisfaction of knowing how much they hurt you. You are just giving away your power and igniting their feelings of superiority in the process. Once you know what you’re dealing with, act accordingly. Feed it nothing and shut the door in its face.


Savannah Grey is a writer, a certified hypnotherapist and has degrees in both Journalism and Psychology.
Continue reading