Truth Code: relationships
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Εμφάνιση αναρτήσεων με ετικέτα relationships. Εμφάνιση όλων των αναρτήσεων

Πέμπτη, 23 Μαρτίου 2017

Image Source: threepullpa.comtml
By Melissa

I want you to know that I forgive you. 

I forgive you for everything you've done past and present. I forgive you for your wrongdoings. Time will pass and eventually you'll be forced to deal with it all. Someday it will all cave in and you'll be lost because the good people who tried to love you and support you were chased out. 

I feel sorry for you. I'm sorry there is a piece of you that is so broken that you will never ACTUALLY know what love is. You'll see bits and pieces of it, maybe feel it here and there, but you'll never know heart filling, mind blowing, can't stop smiling just at the thought and never want to live a day without them love. 

I'll be fine. In time I will realize that I made the right call. And I'll even be thankful to you for making it easy, for giving me what I needed to walk away before it got even deeper. By letting you go, I'm setting myself free and opening my heart to the opportunity to love again, and to be loved in a way I deserve to be loved, to be someone's priority, to be someone's "everything", to have all I have to give returned and never be made to feel like I'm less than what I know I am. 

I'm broken right now, but I'll mend. I always do. I don't doubt I meant something to you, but that only went so far and eventually stopped. I know more than you know I do. I know you've lied to me on several occasions. 

I don't blame you. You're broken. I just wish you'd have been less of a coward and let me go before you did any real damage, before it got to a point I asked you to promise it would never reach. If you truly loved me, you would have done me that service. 

But it's ok. You're broken. I also don't blame me. I gave you the chance to do right, and I loved you even knowing what you're capable of. Hopefully someday you'll figure it all out. Hopefully it won't be too late and you won't destroy anyone else along the way. 

In the meantime, I forgive you. I'm sorry your life has made you what you are and I'm sorry you've made your life what it is. I tried. I tried hard. But I couldn't do it alone. Hopefully you're happy wherever you are right now. I made it to your list, and while I always knew that I would, my only hope is that I made it a little higher than some of the others. 

I love you. Make no mistake about that. But I also love me, and now it's time for me to give that some extra attention. I thank you for the fun we had, the laughs, the trips, all of it. I don't regret it. Everyone comes into our lives for a reason. Some of them are to teach us lessons. 

Im walking away from this having learned many. I wish you well. I really do. I'll be here for you, even though you don't need that because you don't lean on anyone. But if you find yourself at any time with a need for a shoulder, 

I'll be here.
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Τετάρτη, 22 Μαρτίου 2017

SOURCE: nanihta/Fotolia

We’ve all experienced a break up or two at some point in our lives. They’re usually unpleasant, but eventually we move on and begin a new relationship with someone else. Some relationships however, seem to never end and leave us feeling like we’ll never get over them.

It’s normal to grieve the ending of a relationship. The difference between a normal, healthy break up and an unhealthy break up is that in a normal relationship, individuals retain their own identity. Their whole lives aren’t dependent upon the other person. They have lives inside their relationships and outside of their relationships. They can get sad and emotional when it ends, but they’re not going to slip into a major depressive episode. People, who know their worth, know that the sun will come out again and they will love again in time.

Unhealthy people get stuck and can’t seem to find their way out of their grief. They will try anything to dull the pain and they spend every waking minute pining and hoping that the object of their obsession will come back. They are ready and willing to accept any lame excuse. They don’t care about why they left, or the manner in which they left, they just want them back.

Some people in this situation will jump right back into the dating pool, hoping for a replacement, or at the very least a distraction. They will meet a really great guy, or girl that they really wanted to like, but just couldn’t and they explain it away as having no chemistry, or they’ll say, “I’m just not feeling it.” There is a reason for that. In my blog entitled Are You Mistaking Intensity for Intimacy? I describe how unhealthy relationships go through cycles of extreme highs and extreme lows and that a normal relationship just doesn’t match the same level of intensity.

These peaks and valleys are caused by repeated break-ups and repeated reconciliations, where your emotions are always soaring and crashing. Each person never has both feet in the relationship at the same time. This type of relationship is characterized by its fast pace. There’s quick pursuit, love bombing, quick intimacy, followed by an even swifter departure. The partner who is constantly being left, develops addiction-like cravings for the high intensity feelings that normal relationships just can’t provide.

That’s why, when we meet a perfectly normal person, who seems genuinely interested in us, our minds keep going back to the partner, who mistreated us. Normal relationships, in contrast, feel boring because they are more flat lined. There is much less drama, with no high intensity peaks and no low intensity valleys. It’s steady and slowly evolves from infatuation, in the early stages, into a deeper form of love. This is the path of true intimacy. When we engage with intimacy dodgers, we make the mistake of calling those high intensity feelings love and we waltz on past the real thing.

We remain fixated on the one that keeps hurting us, because we’ve developed a craving for those high intensity feelings and we know that we’re not going to experience them with anyone else. What we don’t realize is that those feelings, while they do feel good, are actually extremely harmful and unhealthy, because they only occur in unstable, high risk relationships.

Another reason we can’t seem to let go of these types is because we’ve come to believe that we have a deep and special connection with them. What we know is that shared trauma strengthens the connection, even when the trauma is being caused by the one you have the ‘connection’ with. In my blog entitled Why Do I Still Love Him: Understanding Trauma Bonds, I discuss how trauma bonds can happen to anyone, at any time and very quickly. They are the high intensity connections we make with abusive individuals, who tend to hold a form of power over us.

In The Betrayal Bond, Dr Patrick Carnes tells us that three elements must be present for a trauma bond to form. There must be:

  • A power differential (One person behaves in an oppressive, controlling and dominant manner).
  • Intermittent rewards (Random moments of kindness and tenderness, mixed in with painful and hurtful treatment).
  • Periods of high arousal (defined as intense feelings of fear, anxiety, excitement, or any emotion that puts your nervous system on high alert) followed by periods of intense bonding (making up).


What happens in these situations is that when our ability to feel good is wrapped up in another and at their whim, we become oppressed and this oppression creates dependency. Anytime we give away our personal power, we become bound to their will. We become weak, needy, anxious and fearful.

Many of us talk about the abusive people in our lives and use words like best friend or soul mate. That we would call someone, who is responsible for causing us such intense pain, our soul mate, seems to defy reason, but anyone that can play with our emotions like a yo-yo on a string yields a great deal of control over us. They hold the keys to our emotions, so we develop a dependency on them, in the same way an individual develops a dependency on a narcotic.

This is why it is essential to make a bee line out of the relationship when you notice a persistent pattern of breaking up and reconciling, breaking up and reconciling. If you continue this cycle you increase the risk of developing a trauma bond, which keeps you fixated and stuck in a relationship that seems to never end.

If you identify with a high intensity relationship please see my blog Trauma Bonds Part 2 where I list some of Patrick Carnes exercises on how to extricate yourself from this type of relationship. For a full accounting get Carnes’ book, Betrayal Bonds: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships and stop looking for those peaks and valleys in your relationships and instead start planting your seeds in the stable flat lands of a healthy relationship.

Source: esteemology.com

Savannah Grey is a writer, a certified hypnotherapist and has degrees in both Journalism and Psychology.
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notey.com
What are five signs that you can look for that will let you know you you’ve met your twin flame or soulmate, and that the relationship in front of you is of importance in your life, as in karmic or destined to happen?

1. You both feel a strong connection

From the day that you met, you’ve felt a strong connection to this person – and they to you.

Whether your twin flame relationship is platonic, familial or romantic, there’s a connection that far surpasses the bond in your other relationships. You both mutually care about each other, and deeply and obviously so.

2. You stay close to each others’ lives

Some people come into our lives for a lifetime, some for a season, some for a day.

For the most part, we allow the majority of them to come and go without any notice, but this relationship is different. In this bond you feel attached to each other, often quite sudden and inexplicably.

You stay near to each other, communicating and interacting regularly, and visiting and spending time together whenever possible. This relationship is very quickly elevated to the point of being a top, if not the most important, relationship in your life.

3. You don’t have enough history to explain your attachment

If you’ve been in a long-term committed bond you’ll know that history really does add enormous value and worth to a relationship, and that shared experience often explains the connection and attachment we feel towards the other party.

In a twin flame, soulmate or karmic bond however, you’ll have this level of connection, but without the past history, memories and shared experiences that validate a bond of that intensity.

While the bond draws you closer, the lack of experience and history drives you apart because you fill in the blanks by assuming that your new partner is operating from the same level as you.

This is one of the key aspects that drive young twin flame bonds into the ground. The lack of history can also serve to make one of the partners feel suffocated or clingy and possessive – another common young twin flame experience.

4. Issues seem much bigger than they should be

If you’ve been in a relationship for any duration you’ll know that issues escalate over time, for the most part.

At first you can forgive and move past something, but by the second, third, fifth, twentieth time something has happened you lose the plot and the kid gloves come off.

Don’t be surprised if you see this happening quickly in your twin flame or soulmate bond too.

Even though you don’t consciously remember the events from past lives that have played out between you, you still carry the energy of that within your system.

So, the reason you’re blowing up and feeling like this has been happening to you all your life – even though you only met last week or last month – is because it did happen to you all your life, just not the life you’re living right now.

The biggest reason you feel it is because energy is emotion.

Until you learn to distinguish between the different flows you will experience any energy movements in your body as emotion, because that is how the mechanism has been set up in nature.

5. You have unresolved emotions you can’t explain

Speaking of intense emotions, these can spring up on you unawares too – again a result of the lingering energy of memories that have brought you together karmically in this time.

So you may feel overwhelming love, or emotions that you’ve never felt before, like jealousy, possessiveness, envy, fear that your partner is cheating.

Long and short of it – if you’ve never had the emotion before and it’s not normal to you, or it’s grown to intense and overwhelming proportions immediately, then it’s most likely an energy triggered by the karma playing out in the situation.

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There is conflicting science on whether or not happy memories are easier to recall than sad ones. Ask anyone who’s trying to get over a Narcissist and they’ll tell you they wish they could hang on to the bad, but always seem to recall the good.

We know that trauma bonds deepen the connection between abuser and victim. We know that early programming fools us into believing that intensity is the same thing as intimacy. We also know that codependency confuses us, it creates doubt, shame and guilt and its objective is to keep us where we are.

With all of these things working against us, it’s no wonder trying to break free from a Narcissist seems so difficult. These things seem so implausible that most of us, trying to get over the relationship, find our well-meaning support teams uttering things like, “Why can’t you just get over it.” And they get tired of hearing us talk about it, mope around and often relapse.

They watch us go in and out of relationships that are so obviously dysfunctional to everyone else around us. They get frustrated by our inability to distinguish reality from fiction. But mostly they get tired of watching us harm ourselves by ignoring obvious signs.

I get a lot of people asking me to make sense of their partner’s behavior. They’ll list tons of great things, followed by tons of terrible relationship crimes and they have so much trouble trying to interpret the signs. The truth is trying to discern someone’s real intention is a lot more simple than you might think.

They Love Me. They Love Me Not

If you can’t depend on them for anything, you’re not in a healthy relationship: If certain events come up, or typical things that would require the participation of a significant other and you already know you need not even ask your partner, this is huge sign that you’re not in a real relationship. No amount of post coitus cuddling and promises makes up for them choosing to not participate in your life.

If they treat you great one minute and then ignore you the next, you’re not a healthy relationship: You shouldn’t have to second guess where you stand in your relationship. If you’re getting mixed signals it means that your significant other isn’t committed to the relationship. Get out and don’t put yourself through the strain of having to figure out whether he/she are in or out. Relationships shouldn’t be something that requires guess work.

If they actively flirt or seek out other people while in your presence, you’re not in a healthy relationship: If your partner does that in front of you I’d hate to see what they do behind your back. Not only is it incredibly disrespectful it also shows attention seeking behavior and believe me, you want no part of that. The damage that does to your self-esteem isn’t worth any price.

If they don’t treat you like a priority, you’re not in a healthy relationship: If you constantly feel like you’re not important to the one you love, you need to get yourself together and exit the relationship. There are few things worse than unrequited love and if you stay hoping to change their minds you’re just setting yourself up to fail. If you ever want to change someone’s opinion about you, start with changing your opinion about yourself and walk away from anything that doesn’t lift you, or make you better.

If they don’t introduce you to their family and friends after a certain amount of time, it isn’t a healthy relationship: If you’ve been dating for months and you haven’t met their family or friends there’s a problem. It could mean they’re married, or in a serious relationship. It could mean that they’re serial dating or that they don’t have honorable intentions. It is healthy to wait until serious about someone before integrating them into your life, especially if you have children, but if you’re already sleeping together, you’re spending days living at each other’s place and months have gone by, I’d say, if it walks like a relationship and it talks like a relationship – it’s a relationship and I’d expect to be treated like I’m in a relationship. If your significant other is holding back I’d demand to know why.

If you want one thing and they want something else, it isn’t a healthy relationship: If you’re sticking around hoping he/she will change their mind and realize you’re the one, give your head a shake and get the hell out. I have a simple rule about change – either I accept things as they are or I leave. Change is hard in the best of times and when you’re hoping to change the way someone feels about you, and you think the best way to do that is by sticking around accepting the status quo you’re greatly mistaken. If someone isn’t sure how they feel about you, make their choice simple. Walk away.

If they show needy, jealous behaviors you’re not in a healthy relationship: The healthiest relationships I’ve ever seen consist of two people who have lives inside and outside of their relationships and who encourage the other to grow and be better. If your partner is extremely insecure and makes you feel guilty about wanting to spend time with friends and family, you’ve got a problem. If they need to stifle your growth for their own comfort level, you need to really pay attention to what’s happening in your relationship. It’s a clear sign that your partner is only interested in their own wants and needs and is not interested in your happiness. Never dim your light to make others happy.

If you stick around because you think you can’t do any better, you’re not in a real relationship: I can’t tell you how many of my clients list all these amazing things about their partner. Things like, “He is model gorgeous, his family has money, he’s got a really prestigious job, he’s famous, he’s in politics, she’s an actress, or a doctor …. Yeah I get it, they have some things going for them. Great. It’s too bad they treated you like shit. When you stick around because they have one or two special things about them, you are putting a price on your self-esteem. The fact that they have money isn’t more important than the way they treat you. if you think that the few perks you receive once in a while is more important than the way they treat you, then your priorities are all screwed up. If Irina Shayk can walk away from wealthy, gorgeous, famous and talented Cristiano Ronaldo, you can walk away too.

If you are wondering more times than not, whether or not your partner wants to be with you, you have to come back down to reality. In healthy relationships you don’t have to wonder or guess what your significant other is thinking or feeling about you, because they are telling you and showing you that you are a priority – consistently. If someone is ok with hurting you or making you feel uneasy, then they are not for you. You don’t need a scale to balance out the good vs the bad. You don’t need to be a detective to put all the pieces together. This is really simple stuff. Either they treat you consistently with love, kindness and respect and there is a balanced reciprocity, or their isn’t. It doesn’t matter if they’re gorgeous, rich or famous – whatever you think you will gain from their attributes pales in comparison to what you will lose by sticking around and allowing them to keep kicking you. Do right by you. Practice self-care and take care of you first.


Savannah Grey is a writer, a certified hypnotherapist and has degrees in both Journalism and Psychology. 
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Δευτέρα, 20 Μαρτίου 2017

ideaspots.com
Article by: Anna Bashedly

You were my love. Letting you go is the hardest thing I ever had to do.

You were my best friend, lover, soulmate, my everything. You lifted me up, reminded me of who I was when I was lost, reminded me of my strength and greatness. You believed in me. I told you things that I’ve never shared with another person and you just listened, understood, absorbed it all and actually wanted to hear more. You changed me, you broke down my walls, I was alive with you.

But you were also the person who caused me the most pain in this world.

Loving you is the scariest thing I have ever done because I loved all of you. When I fell in love with you I took on everything – the good, the bad, your light and your darkness.

Not too long into our magic, things started to turn. When your light shined on me, it was everything. But when it was shining somewhere else, it was so cold. I never left you in the storm, I was way too good to you – but when I needed you, you weren’t there.

I know you regret everything. You always do. I know there will come a day when you will realize you messed up and that life is miserable without me. But my love, I never had to be away from you to realize that. I never had to break your heart to realize the value of it. I never had to explore other ‘options’ to realize your worth, to realize that you are one of a kind and what we have comes once in a lifetime. But you did…

Letting you go, is the worst and best thing I ever had to do. I know that you will come back – you always do. But after everything, no matter how much I’ll still love you, this time, I won’t take you back. My scars won’t let me. Because I know now that no matter how much you care about me, you will always care about yourself more. I know that being in your arms, touching your skin, absorbing your laugh, will make me feel complete, so alive again. But I also know that you will always cast quite a shadow – and it will break my heart all over again.

Thank you, thank you for making me realize how deep my love is. How I can love a person with every fiber of my being. Loving all of you with all of me has changed me, made me a better person, I was alive with you, and I wouldn’t take that back for anything.

You breaking my heart, almost breaking me, made me that much stronger. You leaving me made me realize how much I deserve someone who never leaves, never pushes me away. No matter how hard things get, no matter how much doubt there is, no matter how much their past, demons, complexity or other people are trying to get in the way. Someone who never leaves me in a storm because it’s ‘too much’ for them. I need someone who will dance in the rain with me.

By letting you go, I can finally be free to find that.

You are part of my soul. I will always love you, but for the first time in my life, I need to love myself more.

Source: Annabash.com

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I was scrolling through Facebook when I came across a story written by Bryan Reeves, a former US Air Force Captain who in his own words has survived multiple dark nights of the soul and done many stupid things that have taught him well.

I think most people who have experienced love will be able to connect to this story and I feel that it has the power to even save relationships by acting as a wake-up call to people who have someone special in their life.

I Spent 5 Years Hurting A Good Woman By Staying With Her But Never Fully Choosing Her.

I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.

Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.

As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.

I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.

"Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more."

Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wildly wonderful about her.

"I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less."

Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.

She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you.

To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.

I realize now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.

Actually, I did abandon her.

By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her.

Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.

I’ll never not choose another woman I love again.

It’s torture for everyone.

If you’re in relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question:

“Why am I choosing my partner today?”

If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”

If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.

But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.

Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day.

You do, too.

Choose Wisely.

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