Truth Code: self
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Πέμπτη, 23 Μαρτίου 2017

Life is a journey, so keep a journal. Flickr/Pedro Ribeiro Simões
Really like this quote I found a few days ago on Facebook – ”Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up”. Can you imagine how difference this world would be if we all followed this rule?

We have so many people that fill our lives and we too, fill the lives of many people. How many of these people including yourself would you call extraordinary? What makes them so? What’s so special about them that makes them do things differently? Let’s look at 4 things they do and give to others.

1. Reliable, sincere support

Caring for others is the closest thing to being cared for. We all live in this world of happiness and torment. Close your eyes and think of the people who have had a positive effect on your life. The ones who have truly made a difference in your life. You will see what sets them apart from the rest. These are not the people who tried to solve your problems or give you all the right answers. These are the ones who sat by you quietly when you needed to think, lent you their strong shoulder when you needed to cry and who stood by you even with no answers. Be this very person to those around you. This is extraordinary.

2. Undivided attention and focus

When you are able to make time for someone, especially when it is inconvenient, is another greatness. You don’t have to shout out loud or say ‘I love you’ every day to tell someone how much you care. Simply show them. Nothing can be appreciated more in a relationship than your sincere and focussed attention. We breathe life into one another when we pay attention, we make a relationship flourish and we grow stronger. Today and every day, give someone the gift of YOU – your undivided time and attention and kindness. This is one gift that can never break or get lost and it is also one that will forever be remembered.

3. A voice of inspiration and positivity

When you are able to remain positive when negativity surrounds you, you uplift everyone around you to your level of thought. When someone is frowning, lend him your smile. When your child is upset with the stress of studies, lend her some inspiration. Give the present of your kind words to someone who is having a bad day. Every time kind words are spoken, something magical is created. Forever be conscious of what you say and how you say it, no matter who you are saying it to. Always use words that encourage, inspire and appreciate. Always use words to uplift.

4. Gentleness and consideration

We were always taught as children to say things nicely to our siblings and if we have nothing nice to say, we should keep quiet. I look at it now as a lesson in being gentle and compassionate to those around us. We cannot reserve kindness and compassion to family and friends. Do we speak to the house help, driver and waiter of a café in the same way? How far you will go in life will always depend on how you helped the young, respected the aged, showed tenderness with the hurt, supported the thriving ones, and were tolerant of the weaker ones around you. Remember that we wear many hats throughout our lives, and at some point we would have been these people too.

The only small difference between ordinary people and extraordinary people is the word ‘extra’. If you can go out of your way and do something nice for the people around you, you are getting to be extraordinary. When you do something for someone who can never repay you, that’s extraordinary.

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Τετάρτη, 22 Μαρτίου 2017

I felt stuck and uncomfortable for much of my life and as much as I tried, I couldn’t figure out a way to get unstuck. In many ways the tragic events that happened on the day my mother was killed seem to have been prophetic. It was a culmination of all of my angst that had built up inside of me. The events surrounding her death and the end of my long-term relationship, was analogous to a purging – an explosion of everything that ailed me.

The experience left me feeling alone, terrified and naked in the darkness, but as I look back now, I’ve come to view these events as something quite profound – a turning point in my life. I knew that my life wasn’t working. I knew I was miserably unhappy. My beliefs, my thoughts and the people in my life were suffocating me. I was not me, just a zombie-like version of who I really was.

Living the way I had been became so unbearable that I had no choice, but to change, because staying where I was was too painful, yet I lacked the courage to do anything about it. So the Universe did what it does to those who are living unauthentic lives – it pushed me from the nest and watched as I hurdled towards the ground and my imminent demise.

As I was flailing and trying to get my wings, I came across a number of truths that I hadn’t yet learned. I stumbled upon lessons that I never would have gotten had I stayed where I was.

The first Lesson I received was:

I Am In Control of my Life: No one else just me. I am responsible for every choice I’ve made, every decision, every thought, every action, every behavior, every move – all of it, whether good or bad, it’s all on me, no one else. It doesn’t matter what happened in my childhood, who did what to whom. I’m an adult and all the problems and baggage that I’ve been carrying are mine now and I can choose to continue carrying them, or I can choose to get rid of them. I can do the work, I can fix and change what wasn’t working and I can learn newer, healthier behaviors. I can be the person I’ve always wanted to be. It’s all up to me.

I couldn’t go backwards that was no longer an option. That chapter was closed and coming to the realization that the rest of my life was up to me was very scary, yet very empowering. I wanted my new life to be done right. The direction of my ship was all up to me. I was going to take the staring roll in my own life. That realization that I controlled my destiny, which seems so obvious now, was a startling revelation to me.

Everything Changes When You Love Yourself:  I battled and battled the ‘I’m Not Good Enough Monster’ my entire life. I finally found a way to defeat him and I watched as it took it’s last breath. I came to understand that my value doesn’t change based on someone else’s ability to see it. I determine my worth – no one else but me. The people who should have loved me and concerned themselves with my emotional development didn’t and instead sent me the wrong message – that doesn’t mean that I have to continue giving myself their message. I am good enough because I exist. Being good enough is my birthright. I was born good enough and anyone who thinks to treat me like I’m not a person of value isn’t going to like what happens.

When I started to see myself as a person of value, my entire perspective changed. I no longer wanted to be self-destructive or unkind to myself. I wanted to treat myself with all the love and compassion that I so eagerly relished on other people. I didn’t want to eat bad foods, I wanted to exercise. I wanted to be happy and have fun. I stopped doing and seeking out things and people that would hurt me, instead I looked for things that made me feel good and were good for me. I learned how to protect myself and I took great precautions into who I would let into my life and the kinds of things I would permit myself to do. The attitude of self-love is contagious – when other people pick up on the vibe that, you know you are a person of value – they will treat you as a person of value.

I Don’t Need Anyone’s Permission: I don’t need anyone’s permission, I don’t need anyone’s approval, I don’t need anyone to validate me, or my endeavors, I don’t need anyone to agree with me, or cheer me on.

This was a tough one for me. I always believed that success was this unknown commodity that was given to you from other people. When I was a teenager I played guitar in a Rock Band. I was terrible. A year later, I tried to be a model, a year after that, I tried to be an actress. I hit a road block at every turn, because no one saw anything in me that was special. I wasn’t ‘discovered,’ which must mean that I didn’t have ‘it.’ As a young, immature person, with no self-esteem, I accepted it and I didn’t challenge that assumption.

I think when you have the first two life lessons down, you really stop caring what other people think of you. You stop being afraid of the opinions of others. Putting yourself out there isn’t easy, ask any actress in the world what it feels like to have her appearance constantly judged. But there comes a point where you just decide that, I’m going to do what my heart tells me to do and damn anyone that stands in the way of that.

I had a friend that desperately wanted to go back to school. Her friends told her it wasn’t a good idea, think of her kids and how busy her life was. Her mother questioned how she could afford such a move and her husband wasn’t all that keen on the idea. She had all of this negativity coming at her and yet she still felt this pull to do what her heart demanded. I told her, “Where there’s a will there’s a way. You don’t need anyone’s permission. You don’t need everyone thinking this is the greatest idea since sliced bread. You don’t. All you have to do is figure out what needs to get done in your life to make this happen, money, time, attention….and figure out how to compensate.” And she did and she is on her way towards getting her Master’s degree.  Granted when you have dependents they have to be a consideration, but my friend was looking outwards for approval and very nearly didn’t pursue a dream she had always wanted to, because other people were telling her no.  A good General will always listen to the voices of his Lieutenants, but in the end, the decision belongs to him.

It’s Not What Happens To You It’s How You Deal With It: Everyone, bar none, has setbacks and failures.  The difference between those that fail and those that succeed, are those that succeed, try and they keep on trying.

I work for a big company that just seems to keep expanding and expanding. There is a lot of opportunity for growth and promotion and it’s interesting to watch how the factions go about securing their advancement.

I have watched people get looked over for promotion and they all behave in one of 3 ways. They will either, quit, get bitter and jaded, start complaining a lot and stop working so hard, or they will continue to work hard and look forward to the next chance for advancement.

Bad stuff is always going to happen, the key is to always keep battling. Always stay focused on the big picture and don’t let your emotions, or your ego, get in the way of your own success.

The Power of Intention, Positivity and Gratitude Is Real and Always at Work in our Lives: To demonstrate this I’d like to use an example of Intention that’s negative: I had been driving for a long time prior to my accident that killed my mother and I hadn’t had so much as a scraped bumper. I  considered myself a very confident driver and never gave it much thought.

After the accident I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I would relive the events of the accident constantly. I couldn’t drive and when other’s would drive past a transport truck I would start to panic, my heart rate would soar, I’d have trouble breathing and I would feel so much anxiety  – it was awful. When I went to sleep at night it was worse. All I kept thinking about was crashing into cars. These visions were with me all day, everyday, keeping me fearful and anxious.

One day my brother said, “Sav, you’ve got to get back in the saddle again. You have to start driving. You can’t depend on everyone driving you all the time.” I knew he was right so I started driving again. The visions of me crashing were still with me, this time I would have them while I was driving. I would try to shut them out, but I hadn’t yet learned how to control that inner voice. And within 3 months, you guessed it, I hydroplaned on some ice and smacked right into someone. After never being in an accident in my whole life, I now had been in two within a couple of months. The first one wasn’t my fault, the second?? Some might argue it was an accident I would say, with all my focus, attention, visualizations and all of the fear and anxiety I was pouring into it, that I had manifested it.

So I know from personal experience that manifesting can and does happen. It’s all about what we put our focus and attention on and how much emotion we give it. It doesn’t matter if it’s positive or negative, all that matters is where we allow our mind to go and how we feel about it.

When we desire something positive we have to keep the same level of intensity and we have to keep feeding it positive emotions. The key is consistency. Fear doesn’t come and go like some other emotions. It’s intense and it’s always with you until you conquer it – so you have to create that same level of feeling, except with positive emotions. Love is stronger than fear. It’s spooky how true this stuff is.

I believe that the Universe tossed me out of the nest, because it knew I had to learn these life lessons and that I would never have done so, had I stayed where I was. It also knew that I was capable of handling the journey and that I would find a way to pass on what I have learned.

Throwing me out of the nest taught me how to fly. My destination is entirely up to me.


Savannah Grey is a writer, a certified hypnotherapist and has degrees in both Journalism and Psychology. 
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Τρίτη, 21 Μαρτίου 2017

All our lives, we’ve been told to “be organized.” Organization has always been pegged as a direct key to success.

Whether at home, school or in your bunk at camp, organization is something that has been instilled in everyone pretty much from birth. On the other hand, being messy has been equally condemned and made to be a quick path to failure. And, honestly, no rebuttal could say otherwise.

I mean, what good can come from being disorganized, right? Perhaps more than you might think. More recent studies, conducted by the University of Minnesota last year, provide us with a new side of the debate. The pro-messy one.

There has always been this sort of “urban legend” that has floated around modern society deeming people with messy desks as having a high affinity for creative reasoning.

Frankly, I initially thought that people with “messy desks” had to be creative, out of necessity, to survive outside the boundaries of organization.

Last week’s take home test, still undone, in one corner. A page from last month’s Playboy ripped out and crumpled next to the bottle of cocoa butter in the other. Empty Arizona cans distributed across the surface, like a battlefield.

Your desk is a mess. Then again, it’s your mess, and thus, it feels very in-control. When you habitually fail to put things in their designated place, you’re bound to get creative figuring out ways to make everything, I don’t know, fit. And fit comfortably.

While it might look completely random to strangers, a lot of times, a person’s mess is very methodical – with respect to himself.

Psychological scientist Kathleen Vohs, from the University of Minnesota, who set out to debunk this urban legend, didn’t confine her study to solely the desk. No, Vohs, clearly a creative mind, chose to think outside the desk. She just sounds messy. The creative kind of messy.

Using a paradigm consisting of one messy room and one tidy room, and a series of trials, Vohs concluded that messy rooms provoke more creative thinking – and provided scientific evidence!

The next question is, what exactly constitutes “creative thinking,” and how will your pig sty of a room help?

Creative thinking, in its purest form, is thinking outside the lines of “conventional” reasoning. When considering this, it should be no huge shock that messy rooms containing possessions misplaced from their “conventional” locations would promote creativity.

I suppose if you prefer to “lay,” and I use that term very loosely, your clean clothes on the floor of your bedroom, when the empty dresser is only a few feet away – you’re certainly thinking outside the lines of conventional reasoning. And that same concept could be applied to more abstract conception.

Consider this from Albert Einstein, “If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, then what are we to think of an empty desk?”

Obviously, Einstein’s desk looked like a spiteful ex-girlfriend had a mission to destroy his workspace, and executed it rather successfully. Yet, there’s no denying Einstein’s creativity.

Einstein wasn’t alone. Mark Twain, too, had a cluttered desk. Perhaps even more cluttered than that of Albert Einstein. Mark Twain was one of the most imaginative minds of his generation.

If the likes of Einstein and Mark Twain don’t catch the attention of Generation-Y, I give you Steve Jobs. No wonder he invented iBooks, it’s clear he had trouble maintaining his real life ones. His desk, and office alike, were f*cking disasters. I suppose this just added to his brilliance.

So what does this mean to you? Trash your desks, trash your rooms and hope for a touch of genius? Not exactly. The relationship between messiness and creativity is by no means causal. Being messy won’t find you waking up one morning more creative.

The two are, however, correlated. If you are “messy by nature,” perhaps finding a healthy medium between your usual mess and that urgency to clean, is optimal. By curbing your sloppy desk, room or tendencies, – keep in mind – you might also be curbing your overall creative tendencies.

Ultimately, the only way for you gauge the effectiveness of your mess-induced creativity is to go out and experiment for yourself. So, go ahead, make it rain with all your important files and paperwork, toss your clean clothes across the room, have a blast. See what you come up with, after.

PSA: If you have a roommate, tell him not to send me any hate mail if your dorm room turns into a zoo while you experiment with this. I am not liable for any of the future messes my readers may create.

About the author:
Dan Scotti holds down the role of a Lifestyle Writer at Elite Daily. He was born and raised on Long Island, where he learned to avoid small talk with people, and graduated from Binghamton.
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parks and recreation
It’s a cold, cold world sometimes, leaving many folks changed to the core. People know they can’t lose perspective entirely and be hateful, angry, mean-spirited individuals, but they’re not immune to some soul blackening despite their heart being metaphorically enlarged.

1. You’ll Give Literally Any Human Being The Opportunity To Not Be A Garbage Person And Assume They’re Decent Until They Show You Otherwise.

However, once a terrible individual shows you their true colors, they can’t be unseen or forgotten.

2. You Care About Others More Than You Do Yourself.

Seeing your family, friends and significant others happy is prioritized above your own personal pleasure, and you truly aren’t capable of feeling pure joy unless those you care deeply for are as well.

3. You’re Also Incredibly Protective Of Family, Friends And Significant Others.

If anyone were to disrespect them, or even give them a remotely hard time, you’d automatically unleash a viciously hellacious wrath, from the deepest, darkest parts of your black soul.

4. Because Of Your Annoying, Overfilled With Feelings, Benefit-Of-The-Doubt-Giving, Stupid Big Heart, Sometimes You’ll Forgive Those Who’ve Wronged You In The Hopes That They Really Are Sorry, And Won’t Make A Fool Of You Again.

While sometimes that is the case, other times you’ll play the fool twice and your black soul will scoff at your big heart like, “You deserve any pain you feel because I told you this would happen but you’re weak instead of cold and black, like me.”

5. Sometimes People Will Mistake Your Kindness For Weakness.

And you’ll have to let them know you’re capable of being ten times more ruthless and vengeful than they could ever imagine.

6. You Can Empathize With Some People’s Problems, But Laugh Out Loud At Others.

For example, seeing a homeless person might bring tears to your eyes, but watching an Instagram model’s dramatic meltdown as if having to take a daily selfie is some horrifying plight will have you streaming tears of laughter.

7. Sometimes Your Big Heart Is Disappointed In Your Black Soul Because You Know You Could Be A Better Person If You Made A Conscious Effort To Scrub Away The Blackness Covering Your Soul.

When you’re kind and generous, you’re so kind and generous. But when you’re cold and careless, damn are you cold and careless. Are you the nicest mean person or the meanest nice person? You don’t even know the answer to that question. 

Credits: Distractify
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Δευτέρα, 20 Μαρτίου 2017

Love can make us blind, even when something is glaringly obvious to everyone around. People in love can go on being deluded for years sometimes, not realizing that the person they’re with isn’t worth it. Make sure you’re not in love with the wrong person.

1. Your significant other doesn’t respect your parents, or isn’t nice to your friends. This is a huge danger signal.

2. You dread hanging out with them, instead of looking forward to it, and it’s more like a chore or an obligation rather than a fun thing to do.

3. They haven’t bothered getting to know your friends, family, pets and you’re really not all that keen on introducing them. This could be a subconscious indication that you know the relationship won’t really last.

4. You don’t feel comfortable being your usual self with them, and always think carefully before speaking. If you can’t speak your mind and bare your heart to them, something’s wrong with the relationship.

5. He/she does not create in you a desire to improve, to be a better version of you. The two of you are content with how things are and do not make an effort for each other.He/she does not

6. Your significant other is condescending, belittling or talks down to you. Emotional abuse is rampant, and can be hard to spot sometimes.

7. He/she takes you for granted, never bothers to be on time, and doesn’t respect your wishes or your beliefs.

8. You have widely different political or religious views and either of you cannot live with someone who doesn’t share the same views

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Σάββατο, 18 Μαρτίου 2017


Tina was really mad at herself. She let Mark sweet talk his way back into her heart and now he was gone again, two short weeks later. She felt like such a fool. “Never again,” she said to herself. “I am so done.”

She’d gone no contact for a week now and felt really good about her decision. But as she entered her second week she couldn’t help but notice that he wasn’t making any effort to contact her either. That old familiar feeling was creeping back up on her, working its way through her resolve. It started as some type of anxiety in her gut, maybe it was fear, then it travelled upwards to her heart and the ache started again. Then it made its way to her head and she started to have uncontrollable, irrational thoughts about what he was doing and who he was doing it with.

She logged onto Facebook and went to his profile to see what he was up to, then remembered that she had unfriended him. She looked at his public profile and could see that he had posted some new pics of himself, “Who are these women that are making comments and flirting with him?” she said to herself. She noticed he had added 7 new women friends in the past week and her heart sank.

Tina spent the next week hurting and thinking about Mark constantly. She wanted him to contact her again, but she was terrified that he wouldn’t. She thought about reasons she could use to contact him, but she couldn’t come up with any that would allow her to save face, so she gave up the idea. She contemplated sending a text and pretending she meant to send it someone else. ‘No he’d see right through that,’ she reasoned.

Another week goes by and her resolve is completely gone. Now she’s in full panic mode. The thoughts are constant, so is the heartache. He’s got to come back. That thought occupied her every waking moment. She had even tried to contact him telepathically. She’s obsessed checking her phone every minute, just in case she’s missed something. She’s on social media and scanning her email looking for any signs of contact. Nothing. Something’s got to give. She can’t go on this way…. she’s not eating, she’s not sleeping. She stays indoors, just in case.

Suddenly her phone goes off it’s a text message. She leaps for her phone. It’s him. Thank God it’s him. “Hey. How’s it going?”

She isn’t concerned that he’s been gone for weeks. She’s not concerned with what made her want to end it this time and the 7 other times before. All she cares about is that he’s back.

This is a common theme among boomerang relationships. They defy common sense. They are not logical and you usually find people behaving in ways they never would under normal circumstances, such as:

  • Putting up with their partner being involved with other women or men
  • Putting up with being ignored
  • Putting up with never being able to rely on them
  • Putting up with long periods of unexplained absences
  • Putting up will being lied to and deceived – even though you know you’re being lied to and deceived
  • Putting up with them putting in little to no effort
  • Putting up with looking weak, like a fool, doormat or like you  have no self-respect
  • Putting up with the feelings and behaviors that show that we aren’t special to that person – missing our birthday, standing us up, ditching us on holidays
  • Putting up with paying for everything and put in all the effort
  • Putting up with being allocated to the friend position

The million dollar question is why?

The answer is – they’re addicted to the high. They want the peak in the relationship cycle – they will accept all the crashing and all the sorrow and all self-hate that comes along with it, just as long as they keep getting a taste of those intense high feelings.

The high is that moment where the object of their obsession is giving them their undivided attention, which usually involves sex. Where they can perpetuate the fantasy that the relationship is something different than what it is, where for a brief moment they feel loved, cherished and special.

The reasons for this are complex and can be any number of the following:

  • Feeling starved for love and attention
  • An addiction to the high intensity feelings
  • Codependency
  • They are used to poor treatment
  • They live in fantasy world
  • They’ve claimed some type of ownership on the individual and can justify sleeping with them even though we know they are involved with someone else
  • Low self-esteem

An addiction is any activity that we cannot control or stop. Under that definition, our behavior could certainly be described as an addiction. But what is the addiction to?

It makes sense to say that it’s the person we’re addicted to. After all they’re usually our’ type,’ they’re fun and charming. We love being physical with them. We know everything about them. So it must be them, right?

A wave of relief washed over Tina as she text Mark back, “I’m good. How are you?” She asked, completely glossing over the hell she had just been through. They made arrangements to meet that weekend. Tina would have to drive the 80 miles to his hometown and she’d have to spring for the hotel room because Mark didn’t have the money.

She was excited as the days ticked down. Finally the day arrived and she was on her way to see him. Once she got there she noticed Mark was acting kind of aloof. He didn’t seem all that thrilled to see her. They made small talk and ate the take-out Tina brought. Later that night they had sex. It seemed different this time. Almost as if Mark wasn’t really into it. There was no kissing, just the act, then he rolled over and went to sleep. Tina lied there staring at the ceiling. They had gotten together and had sex so often it was hard to keep track of how many times. Why was she feeling so … cheated this time? She was angry and realized this wasn’t what she wanted.

She realized that If Mark would have paid attention to her like he usually did, if he would have been present and seemed interested in being physical with her and if he had held her and made her feel the love she craved afterward she may have continued in this boomerang relationship indefinitely.

This client of mine came to understand that she was not addicted to the man she’d been obsessing over, it was the intensity of feeling that he could take her to that she was addicted to. Once he stopped taking her to that emotional peak, she was no longer interested in having anything to do with him. It took a while for all of the feelings to ebb away, but when she came to that realization the spell was broken and she was free.


Savannah Grey is a writer, a certified hypnotherapist and has degrees in both Journalism and Psychology.
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Πέμπτη, 16 Μαρτίου 2017

Image: Pexels ; Isla Murray/Bustle

Codependency is a disease of the self. It’s our own misinterpretation of who we really are and of our significance in the world.

It’s a generational disease handed down from one to the next. It’s what happens when caregivers, sometimes intentionally and sometimes unintentionally, deliver unhealthy messages and beliefs to their offspring. These messages are conveyed through harsh treatment (verbal or physical), neglect, shaming, humiliating, making the child responsible for the moods and feelings of others and an assortment of other methods.

It’s no wonder that these children grow up to have difficulties in their adult relationships. They’ve been taught that they aren’t worthy of love, that they can’t just be themselves – that they have to give more, do more and be more than everyone else, just to be on a level playing field and they then develop unhealthy coping mechanisms to help them maneuver through these relationships. Consequently, I’ve compiled a list of things you should never do or give up in your romantic relationships.

7 Things Women Should Never Give Up In Relationships

Never make someone else the primary focus of your life: Never, ever, allow yourself to be consumed with your partners goals, issues, problems… you are an autonomous being. Your primary focus should always be you and your goals. Codependency has taught those in its clutches, that they must suppress their own needs and wants in favor of another’s – that they aren’t as important. If you get consumed by your relationships you should stop dating until you have learned how to be an autonomous being, in a relationship with another autonomous being.

Never dim your own light to make others more comfortable: Never give up or down play who you are because your partner can’t handle your success. If you have to give something up to make someone else happy, you are in the wrong relationship. Dysfunctional people always have to be in relationships that are all about them. They need attention and admiration and if you’re getting it all that makes them very frustrated and they will start a campaign to undermine you and your achievements. If someone can’t handle all that you are then that person is not for you.

Never settle for a relationship where you are the only or major contributor: if you are in a relationship with someone and you are making all of the effort, doing all of the sacrificing, all of the spending, all of the work, then you are not in a relationship. In addition, if you are living with someone who can’t take care of themselves and they are living off of your resources, you are not in an adult relationship, you’ve become their parent. Healthy people are autonomous people. They’re not parasites. They don’t need to feed off of others. If that’s your mate you need to opt out.

Never look to your partner to show you your worth: Codependents have been taught that they have to work hard for love and attention, that just being themselves isn’t enough. Consequently, they become people pleasers and hoop jumpers in an attempt to win the affection of their nearest and dearest. They’ve been conditioned to look outside of themselves for approval and for someone to tell them they are good enough and worthy of love.  The problem with that is that no one can give you self-worth. You are already worthy because you exist. They key having self-worth is to know that you can’t get it from other people, because they don’t have it and they can’t give you what they don’t have. Self-worth is an inside job and all you have to do is reach out and take it. That’s it. It’s that simple. Once you own your own worth, you understand that it’s a constant. It doesn’t change based upon someone else’s ability to see it. It’s yours and it’s your responsibility to protect it.

Never permit being disrespected: We teach people how to treat us and if you allow someone to insult, belittle or shame you without calling them on it, you are opening the door for more of the same and harming your self-esteem in the process. Never allow someone to run roughshod over you. You’re not a doormat. Emotional manipulators need to make others feel small, so that they can feel big. They disrespect as a means of control. Never stand for it.

Never give up your autonomy for a relationship: Never give up your life, city, job, friends, or family for a relationship. I don’t subscribe to the ole love conquers all bit. A healthy relationship can’t exist in a vacuum. For it to be healthy you need to have other interests, hobbies, and relationships. You need to be able to take care of yourself, have a support group and things that are important to you outside of the relationship. You need a life outside of your partner. Manipulators aim to isolate you. Moving you to another city creates dependency and gives them total control. Codependents are so used to making their relationship their primary focus and putting them in a situation where their relationship is the only thing they have is very dangerous. If someone is asking you to give up all you need to do some serious thinking and opt out before you hand in that resignation.

Never make excuses and minimize bad behavior: If you’re doing this it’s a huge indication of your level of your emotional health. If you’ve given someone 10 chances and they’re still doing the same thing the problem is no longer theirs it’s yours. Codependents are masters of making excuses. It’s a trait they learned to explain away their caregiver’s abuse. No child believes their parents are bad, or ill meaning, so they develop this skill of rationalizing and making everything their fault. Pair this with a big dose of, ‘I’m not worthy,’ and you’ve got yourself a recipe for disaster in adult relationships. Bad behavior is bad behavior. Get into the habit of calling it what it is, never just accept it as, ‘the way it is.’ Then get into the habit of not permitting it. If you’re afraid of calling someone on their behavior, that’s indicative of its level of dysfunction and your cue to leave.

It’s not surprising that codependents find themselves in relationships like these and need to continually be reminded of boundaries that must be set. Because of their childhood trauma and their desperate need to be loved and accepted, they are extremely susceptible to the fake flattery and fake charm of a Narcissist and others, that mean to do them harm. When they hear kind and adoring words from a potential, romantic, partner, they can’t help but run with reckless abandon towards anything that even resembles the love they so crave. The best thing you can do to protect yourself is to learn what to look for, set boundaries in your relationships and make sure there are severe consequences for breaking those boundaries – like you leaving


Savannah Grey is a writer, a certified hypnotherapist and has degrees in both Journalism and Psychology. 
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Shutterstock / Stefano Cavoretto

Codependency has been described as a dysfunctional relationship with the self. What that means is that the view that we have of ourselves is skewed, both internally and in our interpersonal relationships, because of our early childhood experiences.

It can manifest as hyper self-criticism, low self-esteem, self-sabotage, obsessive thinking, people pleasing behaviors, a lack of boundaries, rescuing behaviors and it makes us hyper-sensitive to the needs of others. As we gain awareness of some of these issues, we realize that there is something off about the way we are interpreting our environment.

I wanted to point out the difficulties, we, as codependents, experience in the way that we think and act to illustrate that perceptual deficiencies exist in a variety of different disorders. For instance a Codependent can be hyper-sensitive to the needs of others and almost seem to have empathy on steroids. Conversely, a Narcissist is self-focused and has an impaired ability to experience empathy. So a Codependent trying to decipher the behavior and motives of a Narcissist is going to have a pretty tough struggle on their hands, mainly because your Narcissist does not think like you and vice versa.

Earlier this week a former employee came by my work to say hello to everyone and to drop off a CD he had just recorded. He was fired about a year ago and had been diagnosed as bi-polar and the word psychopath was also heard around the water cooler. I don’t know if he was diagnosed correctly or not, but I know that there was something really off about him. He did exhibit attention seeking behaviors, a desperate need to be liked and admired, entitlement and several other Narcissistic-like traits. There is some overlap between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Anti-Social Personality Disorder and it is also possible to be both as long as they fit the criteria for both, but bottom line was, this person, psychopath or not, was a little scary.

The next day the boss came to my office with the CD, “Listen to this,” he said, his face grim. The CD was called Lost and the very first track started with the sounds of a man breaking into a woman’s apartment, her crying and screaming as he beat and strangled her, followed by her rape and murder. In an Eminem type of rap, he rhymed about the joy he was feeling at the thought of her parents finding her that way. There were nine tracks on the CD and every song was about his hatred of women and his desire to do them harm.

Pretty soon an audience gathered and we all stared at each other, as we listened, with wide eyes and our jaws on the floor. “He’s always been dark. It’s just his art,” came one explanation. “Have you heard some of these rap songs today? Much worse than this one,” said another, dismissing it. Once we were alone again my boss asked me, “So what do you think?”

“Recording a CD takes a lot of time and effort,” I said. That’s a lot of time thinking about the subject matter, writing the lyrics and the music, practicing it, recording it. If it was one song, maybe it’s just there for shock value, but knowing him the way we do, the misogyny is there in every song, the desire to act out violent and disturbing behavior is there and what kind of person talks about feeling joy at another’s suffering? I honestly think these are his deepest, darkest desires.”

“Do you think he’ll act on them?” He asked

“I don’t know. Not all psychopaths or narcissist have violent tendencies. He’s never been in trouble with the law for harming anyone before, but he has overdosed. He has very weak impulse control and I hate to think the only thing keeping us and everyone else safe is his ability to maintain that control.”

“I don’t think he’d hurt any of us,” my boss said. “I told him that I was here for him if he ever needed anything. We have some comradery. He thinks of me as a friend.”

“No he doesn’t,” I said. “He does not see you as a friend. He has no friends and when you offer yourself up like that he perceives you as a resource he can exploit, nothing more. You are looking at the situation the way you would think and the way you would behave, but that is not the same way he thinks and perceives the world. That’s where you’re making your mistake. You can’t imagine what it’s like to have no, or at least an impaired ability to feel empathy, because you have empathy. There is no depth to his feelings. There is no bond, no brotherhood. There is only, ‘what can I take from you,’ and ‘how can I get an advantage,’ very predator-like. That’s the lens he views the world from.”

ASPD and NPD are disorders of scale. On one end of the ASPD spectrum you have the serial killer, who enjoys torturing their victims for their own amusement and on the other you have a high functioning, risk taking, self-interested, white-collar worker, who has never harmed anyone, but is always out for their own gain. But as victims of their brand of abuse we have to come to terms with the fact that the way these people think and behave is very, very different from the way we think and feel and trying to fix them and even understand them is preposterous.

I get so many emails from readers asking me to interpret their partner’s behavior. Codependents have a great need to understand. Perhaps it’s because they need a reason to explain away someone’s bad behavior, or they need to have some type of assurance that it wasn’t their fault. They will list a page full of relationship crimes that has left them devastated, peppered with a few nice things he/she has done for them. Because of the codependents poor boundary creation and enforcement, they have great difficulty discerning what proper relationship behavior looks like or how they should be behaving.

“Anyone can be fooled once. The second, third and fourth times require your participation.”

If you’re involved with someone and they are compulsive liars – that’s enough for you to end the relationship. You don’t owe someone your undying support and commitment because they have problems.

If someone cheats on you one time, that’s enough to walk away.

If someone belittles you, shames you, puts you down, blames you, yells at you, that’s enough to end it.

If someone blows hot and cold, that’s enough for you to blow on out of the relationship.

If someone treats you in a demeaning or disrespectful manner, that’s enough for you to end the relationship.

If someone has moved themselves in to your house, they don’t work, or contribute and they suck away all you resources – give your head a shake, no genitalia is worth all that and get them the eff out.

If they are giving you mixed messages it’s enough to say, “This is BS. I deserve better,” and you walk away.

Emotional manipulators exploit. That’s what they do. The reasons they do what they do don’t really matter. The bottom line is that they need you, so they are going to say and do what they have to to elicit your cooperation and if that means lying, stealing, cheating so be it. They’ve got to get their needs met. That in and of itself is the epitome of their existence. It’s pretty simple really and then they have you trying to come up with excuses for them and reason away their behavior – how lucky can you get. When you understand the way they think it should make your decisions a lot easier.

Don’t try to reason with them. Don’t try to get them to see your point of view (which is impossible for a person with no/little empathy). Don’t try to guilt them, or even think that they should know better.

Stop trying to figure them out. They can’t figure themselves out, so you aren’t going to fare any better. It’s enough to know that there is something wrong with the way they interpret their environment and the way they act on that interpretation.

Once you know what you’re dealing with, the onus is on you to get yourself out. I get how hard it is to get away from these types. I’ve written extensively on just why it’s so hard. I get it. I really do, but you really only have two options, get the hell away from them, or let them keep kicking you.


Savannah Grey is a writer, a certified hypnotherapist and has degrees in both Journalism and Psychology.
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Learning how to understand and make peace with your childhood is one of the most healing and empowering experiences you could ever go through.

As the son of a drug-addicted mother and totally absent father, I know how important it is to come to terms with your parent’s mental illness.

When we were children, we looked up to our parents for support, encouragement, nurturing and love. But when we were denied these things, we developed a variety of beliefs, behavioral patterns and coping mechanisms to help us survive in such a difficult environment. As adults, we often play out these same coping mechanisms, often to our own detriment.

The thing about being the child of a narcissistic mother and/or father is that it often contributes to something known in shamanic terminology as soul loss. Soul loss is the inability to contact or experience our souls due to the unresolved wounds, traumas and fears we’ve accumulated over the years.

The first step in healing this soul loss is to be willing to explore what you went through as a child. This process of exploring the narcissistic actions of your parent isn’t done to condemn them or to victimise yourself. Instead, this process is done to help you understand the root cause of any pain you’re still experiencing, to learn how to release it, and to move on with your life. This becomes a strengthening and rejuvenating process.

19 Signs You Had A Narcissistic Mother And/Or Father

The thing about having a narcissistic mother and/or father is that you have been taught to believe that you are the crazy and imbalanced one, instead of them. This causes you to constantly doubt yourself and any feelings you have about them.

Another major sign of being raised by narcissists is the constant guilt you struggle with. In other words, while you might suspect that there is something “off” with your parents, you feel ashamed to think about them in such a way, and you tend to start beating yourself up instead.

But there is a very good reason why you’ve come to this article. And while you may still have lingering doubts, I hope the following information can clear your mind.

Firstly, you should know that there are two main kinds of narcissists:

  • Engulfing Narcissists — these are parents who see their children as extensions of themselves. In other words, engulfing narcissistic parents become obsessively involved in your life to an extreme extent. They don’t respect your boundaries or acknowledge you as a separate person.
  • Ignoring Narcissists — these are parents who have very little interest in their children. Ignoring narcissists clearly see the boundary between themselves and their children. As a result, they neglect to take care of their children or show an active interest in their lives.

Here are 19 major signs that you had a narcissistic mother and/or father:

1. They Tried To Control You Through Codependency.

In other words, you were told by your parent/s, “Don’t leave me. I need you. I can’t live without you.” This made it impossible for you to live an autonomous life or establish independent priorities other than catering to the needs of your parent/s.

2. They Laid On The Guilt Thick.

Another method of controlling you was to constantly guilt trip you into doing what they wanted. They may have told you, “I’ve done so much for you, I’ve sacrificed everything for you.” As a result, you felt indebted to them and as though you “owed” them complete obedience.

3. They Only Loved You When You Did What THEY Wanted.

Your parent/s withdrew love very easily. If you failed to do what they wanted, they would either punish you severely, or give you the silent treatment. You had the impression that they only loved you when you PROVED your worth to them.

4. They Liked To “Get Even” With You.

When you did something “wrong” or against their will — even in the smallest way — they made sure they punished you. This petty and childish way of “getting even” may have been subtle or very obvious. For instance, they may have deliberately sabotaged something you cared about, broke something of yours, or hid something to get back at you.

5. They Never Respected Your Boundaries.

There wasn’t any “private” space to call your own growing up. Your parent/s would go through your room and private belongings, without a thought, sometimes even using what they found against you.

6. They Competed With You.

If you ever got something nice, they took it from you, or got something nicer to “out-do” you.

7. They “Owned” Your Accomplishments.

Whenever someone complimented your achievements, your parent/s would instantly jump in and shift the attention to themselves. For example, if someone congratulated you for winning a soccer trophy, your parent/s would butt in and say something along the lines of, “Yes, she gets it from me. I was always athletic as a child.” They love the spotlight and frequently stole it from you.

8. They Constantly Lied To You.

Your parent/s lied to manipulate, control and take advantage of you in some way, shape or form. You never knew what you could trust was “real” or truthful around them, or whether they were setting up a hidden trap for you to fall into.

9. They Never Listened To (Or Cared) About Your Feelings.

You felt that you could never share your feelings with your parent/s because they would either make fun of you, or talk about themselves instead. Somehow, whatever issue you faced as a child was spun into a pity party for them, not you.

10. They Constantly Insulted You.

Your parent/s berated, demeaned and harassed you on a constant basis. They may have even latched onto an insecurity of yours and used it to humiliate you.

11. They Exerted Explicit Control Over You.

In other words, when you didn’t obey them, they would punish you. The message was very clear, “Obey me, or I’ll punish you.” You were punished through emotional or physical abuse including emotional blackmail, hitting or beating.

12. They Gaslighted You.

In order to control you, they used a psychological manipulation tactic known as gaslighting. What this means is that they would deliberately make you feel crazy, or cause you to doubt your sanity, in order to gain the upper hand. This led to the development of constant self-doubt during your childhood, adolescence and present life. Read more about gaslighting.

13. They “Parentified” You.

As a child, you were expected to “parent” your parent, or behave as a surrogate parent to cater for their needs, instead of them catering to yours.

14. They Had A “Favorite” Or “Golden” Child.

In your family there was the “golden” child and the “scapegoat” child. In other words, one child was seen as perfect and capable of doing no harm. The other child was seen as the black sheep, and the cause of all issues (this is also known as an identified patient). These roles could have also switched frequently.

15. They Reacted Intensely To Any Form Of Criticism.

Did you ever criticize your mother or father? What was their general reaction? If your mother and/or father was a narcissist, they likely reacted in an extreme way. They would scream at you and likely physically hurt you through smacking, or some other method.

16. They Projected Their Bad Behavior Onto You.

For example, if you were in an argument, they would hysterically scream at you, “ How dare you talk to your mother that way. Go to your room. We’ll talk after you stop screaming at me.”

17. They Never Displayed Any Empathy.

They never asked about your feelings, sympathised with you, or cared. They seemed to be solely interested in their own feelings.

18. They Were Infallibly Correct And Never Wrong.

Even when they made a mistake or treated you in an unfair, or unjust way, they never apologised for their mistake. When you confronted them about it, they denied all accusations and tried to spin the blame onto you.

19. They Liked To Present A Perfect Family Image To Outsiders.

Your parent/s went to great lengths to ensure that others perceived you as a loving/successful/enviable family. Likely, you were very aware of this ploy, but kept silent for fear of wrath from your parent/s.

How To Confirm That You’re The Child Of A Narcissist

After reading through this list of symptoms you might still be unsure of how to define your parent/s. That’s normal. Your narcissistic mother and/or father wouldn’t have exhibited all of the signs above (but if they did, pay attention).

If you’re the child of a narcissist, you will likely struggle with these problems:

  • Codependency in other relationships
  • Weak sense of self
  • Poor interpersonal boundaries and inability to say “no”
  • Chronic guilt or shame
  • Self-loathing
  • Emptiness
  • Trust issues
  • Inability to express or handle emotions
  • Anxiety or depression
  • Being a people-pleaser

What next?

If you’re quite sure that one, or both, of your parents was a narcissist, it’s likely that they still have some kind of involvement in your life. Many narcissist support groups recommend cutting off contact from such parents, or interacting them in small, measured ways (such as through a phone call, or text message).

To begin your process of soul healing, you might like to do the following:

  • Stop hoping that your narcissistic parent will change — you can never change them.
  • Allow yourself to grieve the parent you never had.
  • Understand that you have been raised to suppress and deny your feelings. Now is a good opportunity to slowly open up to those years of repressed feelings. You can do this through seeking traditional psychotherapy, or alternative methods such as shamanic healing, hynotherapy, holistic remedies, etc.
  • Learn to take care of your own needs through the practice of self-love.
  • Reconnect with your inner child and learn how to care for it in a way your parents never could. This is called inner child work.
  • Keep an active daily journal in which you self-reflect. This will help you become more self-aware.
  • Explore soul retrieval, which is a vital part of soulwork.
  • Express your emotions in a healthy way, particularly any anger you have inside.
  • Join a support group and connect with others who have experienced similar childhood experiences. You can find many on Facebook, or you could search the internet for local groups.

While you may feel broken, it’s important to remember that you are not broken. Your soul can never be broken. It is still there, waiting for you to access. This experience only serves to show you that everything you need is within you. No matter what your childhood was like, it’s still possible to heal and reunite with that source of unconditional joy, wonder and love inside.

Source – LonerWolf
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